I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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