Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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