all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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