She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
