i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
