so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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