fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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