Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
