If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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