"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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