I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
