I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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