Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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