So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
