dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
