Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
