so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
