Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
