I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
