I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
