i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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