mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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