dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
