Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
