rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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