did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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