so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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