I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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