There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
