I could make wine with my vomit
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
