I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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