She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
