how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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