the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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