his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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