Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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