He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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