i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
