They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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