I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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