i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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