My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I wish there were birth control emojis
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
