Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
