I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My ATM looks so different sober.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
