Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
