Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
