i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
