if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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