Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
