His pubic hair was longer than his dick
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
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