i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?