If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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