You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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