dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.