put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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