So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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