If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
