She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
