True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
