the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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