you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
